dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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