I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
True strength comes from lack of pants
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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