i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
