Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
