shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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