Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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