remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
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