so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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