i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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