I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
