Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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