Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize