DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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