someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
