see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
