if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
