So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize