Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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