So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Dicks are not precious.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
