I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
