Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
