I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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