Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
