Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
