My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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