im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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