Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
