I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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