So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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