How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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