So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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