I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
