mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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