I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
