The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
