I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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