We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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