Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
