it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
