i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
tequila makes me forget i have legs
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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