You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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