as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
