I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I lost the right to judge tonight
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
