I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
