you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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