im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
