Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
