Ambien. No doubt about it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
