I take back everything I said about communal showers
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
