uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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