A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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