If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
