Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
