the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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