help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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