Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
